Jen vs. The China Cabinet

The year was two thousand and eleven. It wasa hot September morning when the battle began. I proceeded to the armory (Home Depot)and armed myself with  a variety ofweapons from chemicals to paint, woodglue to suffocating plastic, guns to the roughestof sandpaper (okayI realize that 220 isn’t that rough but for the sake of the story, just go withit okay?)

 I knew this was going to be a doozy of a battle and realized I might get wounded. However, I knew it would be worth it and that in the end….VICTORY would be mine!

I hate to admit that I am the one who threw the first punchbut my opponent just stood there, shivering in its boots. Someone had to startthe fight. I grabbed my 220 and hit the ground running. I sanded the finishright off its horrified face. As if that wasn’t enough, I took my TSP water andwiped it down, inflicting more pain. I sanded again, and again, and again,until I knew for sure it had reached its weakest point. I did one final wipedown and then proceeded to get my gun.  Ifilled the gun with its bright white primer ammo and fired the first shot. “Sput,sput, sput” whimpered the gun; it had no intentions of getting in the middle ofTHIS fight. I wrestled and wrestleduntil finally I had to take my gun back to the armory for a professional tofix. You wouldn’t believe howmany trips to the armory were made during this battle. I decided it wasbest to enlist the help of a veteran (my awesome dad); one that had much knowledge and could provide asecond point of view. He was willing to serve for a good cause and joined myside right away. We continued to wrestle with the gun until it finally gave inand started to work with us. I again filled it with ammo and fired a shot (while crossing my fingers).Out came the most beautiful shot of white primer you ever saw. The adrenalinkicked in and I was on a roll! I couldn’t stop, I kept firing; coat after coatuntil my opponent was covered in primer, not a glimpse of icky brown wood insite. 

I decided to rest for a bit after kicking behind in the first battle. I was wounded and needed to bandage myself up before beginning the second round. 

I pumped myself up and went back to the battle ground (the carport). This time Iloaded my gun with the brightest of white paint. I pulled the trigger…sput,sput, sput. SERIOUSLY?!?I thought. I ran back to my bunker to figure out a game plan. I saw no othersolution than to make yet another trip back to the armory. I knew I had tohurry; my offense was weakening and my opponent’s defenses were strengthening.I ran (drove) back to thearmory to have my weapon fixed once again and was back in no time. I loaded upand ran in to battle, arms swinging. I covered that thing like nothing anyonehas ever seen before. It was a beautiful and horrific site, depending on whichside you were on.

   I must give creditwhere credit is due. My opponent did put up quite the fight. It tried it’shardest to show its disgusting brown blood through my beautiful white paint. Ithad its annoying crevices, inconvenient corners, and its rough exterior whichrefused to sand smooth; but in the end, it was no match for my soldier and I.We pushed through and soon, the second battle had been won.

The third and final battle went quickly. We had alreadykicked our opponent’s defenses to the curb. We armed ourselves with cans ofclear coat and went to town, unleashing the final weapon of battle. We sprayed untilwe could see our war painted faces in our opponent’s eyes.

After the finalresting period, it was time to take my opponent by the head and mount it on mywall (or just move it into position). We hoisted its heavy body onto ourshoulders and made the long journey (maybe 20 steps?) home.

We stood there, inawe of the war we had just fought. It was over, we were VICTORIOUS! The once uglychina cabinet had been stripped and beaten down to its very core and had beengiven a new life. 

I knew that itwould take time before my opponent came around but it eventually realized thatit had a very important purpose and I am happy to report that we are now thebest of friends. I’d even like to think that it regrets putting up such afight. It has grown into its new skin and adjusted to the new home very welland I could not be more proud. 

I am strongerbecause of this war, I AM a survivor! I am fearless now and await the opportunityto pummel my next opponent to the ground. 


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